I like to believe there is good in everyone. Even after someone hurts me physically or mentally I still try to see the good in them. Especially when there are raw feelings of love. When I love someone it's with all of my heart and soul. I'm a leader and see things through even to a bitter end or the best ones. I'm strong willed and have a backbone. I know when to keep my mouth shut, and when to open it. I know what it's like to have your heart shattered into a million pieces, and believe me that's not something you want to go through. Time after time of that happening though your heart can go cold. Encased in ice unable to be thawed. I'm usually a mild mannered person, but I can get volatile especially if your messing with one of my younger siblings or best friends. Guess with being the eldest I grew overprotective of all of them. I'm close with all of my siblings, and friends I grew up here on the ranch with. Which includes my best friend and cousin Tierney. Opening up isn't easy for me, and I keep things to myself. Bottled up till they explode. You don't want to be around when that happens.

I was born in Big Sky Montana. The eldest of seven siblings. The first child of my parents that they had to learn everything. They weren't alone though with my cousin Tierney the same age as me as well as the Earp twins. Firstborn of all of us though was my cousin Dorian who paved the way for all of our parents a year before us. After us more and more were born. My aunt and uncle had seven kids all together just like my own. The Earp's had nine altogether, that's with two sets of twins. The first two are identical, though I can tell them apart as the others in our families. The Steinert's round off our little group with five kids. Their dad is actually a brother to my Aunt Marigold. So my Sackett cousins from mom's side have the Steinert's as cousins, but were not related to them.

My mother was born and bred a Sackett right here on the ranch in Big Sky Montana. She grew up here with the open range for her playground as us kids are doing. Dad though is from Ireland. Irish through and through. Mom, Milton and Alexis Steiner, who weren't married at that time went over to Ireland before their senior year of high school to tour with some school trip. It was while there that she met dad. They both say it was Love at first sight. Leaving him to come back home was one of the hardest things she has ever done, she says. Of course they stayed in contact with one another, and he showed up just in time for her graduation from high school a year later, and he never went back to Ireland. My gramps loves to tease dad talking about the hard time that he gave him in saying no to her hand in marriage. His determination had been something else though that had made gramps proud.

Mom and Dad shine in their love. It's more than readable on them when they look at one another. Smiles forming on their faces as if they have some secret that they will never let out. They love and cherish one another, and it's beautiful to watch them together. Though hurts as well when you long for something like they have, but that doesn't seem to be what's in store for you. That love they have for one another is showered upon me and my siblings as well. They are actually the best parents anyone could ask for. More of best friends than actual parents. Their way of guiding us in life is remarkable, letting us make our own way. Always there if we need them for anything. Sure they get after us when we do get into trouble, but it's not that often. So we are good there.

Sky River Ranch is what we call the ranch here, and it's an open playground for me and the other kids. Our parents had us up on horses before we could even walk. No we weren't left alone, usually with one of our parents and having the time of our lives. Though we were put on trusted horses after we could walk. That saying born to ride can be true for most. I love to ride, and grew up showing horses and riding them. Learning how to train them from an early age. I loved working with them. They were actually the best listeners. I had one horse, Flick Bar Leo, that was my confidant. Once in a while he would even let out a whinny as if agreeing with me or disagreeing with me. Flick was a constant in my life growing up. He knew all my secrets as a teenager that I would whisper to him afraid someone was trying to listen in. He was usually the only one I let see my pain and heartbreak crying into his neck with his mane tickling my face. Flick was 27 years old when he died the day I left for the Citizenship Focus Trip to Washington DC right before my senior year of high school. He was buried here on the ranch, and nobody told me till the day after I was back.

I was a tomboy growing up usually with my long brown hair in braids or pigtails. As I got older one long braid or pigtail down my back. Sometimes pulled to the side. Whatever I felt like for the day. I was in the normal things that farm kids or ranch kids were in like 4-H and later FFA in high school. Fair times were always my favorite. Showing horses or bucket calf during the day, then at night getting to go to the carnival. Friday and Saturday Nights were the big rodeo, and I'd been riding in it through the High School Rodeo club when I was in high school. Though as a kid I'd be in the stands watching the big kids and adults having their fun. Though if they did have the mutton busting I was right out there with the boys riding the steer or sheep whatever they had to ride. A lot of the time beating the boys out which they would moan and groan about.

After the rodeos they'd keep the carnival open later for those wanting to go. Though the carnival usually went till Midnight and sometimes later. Since most of the town was there late, having fun since it's only a few nights during the summer. I loved when it was dark out, and all the lights on the rides really showed up. Once you were on the ride though they were a blur as fast as you were going round and round. There was just something magical about all of it to me. Especially sharing it with my siblings, and best friends. Our parents usually off riding rides themselves leaving us kids to our own having the times of our lives. Riding one ride, getting off and running to get in line for the next one, and on and on through the night. Laughing and screams of delight being heard all through the evening. Oh to be carefree and young like that again. It was always a letdown when the carnival ended, and the carnival picked up and was gone again till the next year. The magic gone staring at the vacant area of the fairgrounds where the rides, concessions, and games had taken up the area. Just memories for you now. Ones you made year to year.

I did try out for cheerleading in junior high and high school making the squad. It was fun, and I could do some of the flips and things others couldn't. Though I didn't brag about it. Just proud of myself for being able to do so. Junior high came and went, and I started liking a guy. His dad was a Son of Anarchy like our dads. When he first started asking me out I'd say no way. I wasn't into things like that. I was the girl that hung out with the guys. The ultimate tomboy. Though I did enjoy doing some girly things with my sisters, and my cousins. Especially my best friend Tierney. Finally Tierney talked me into going to the Homecoming dance with Nate Carmichael. At least he was friends with my cousins and the other boys on the ranch. Not as close as us on the ranch, but he was part of our club life. I have to admit it wasn't a bad first date. I actually danced a few times with him. No, I didn't wear a dress. I wore my usual jeans and shitkickers. He didn't seem to mind though.

It was like overnight I became known as Nate's girl. We were thrown together in everything. Our freshman year together wasn't bad, and we had a magical time at the carnival together the summer between our freshman and Sophomore year. It was after that he started to change. His dad was more of the outlaw in the club then a lot of the guys. Nate's older brothers Trace and Aaron were really into club life. Always egging Nate into doing something dangerous and stupid. His dad would always laugh and say boys would be boys. There was really no spark in our relationship like I saw with my parents relationship. So there was always something missing between us. It was the start of our Sophomore year that he started pressuring me for more. I definitely wasn't ready for that step. There were times that he wouldn't stop when we were having a make out session. Which those weren't too bad. I'd end up having to knock him away and push him just to get him to stop from going any further.

It was the weekend of Thanksgiving that things culminated. We were out on a date, and he took what he wanted that night even though I fought him. Things were so wrong after that. Of course I didn't tell anyone. How was I supposed to tell someone how stupid I had been? I shouldn't have stayed with him. I should have told my parents what happened that night. Maybe I wouldn't have a heart made of ice now where love is concerned. Over the course of the rest of that year, and the next he grew abusive. Especially when he got drunk. He made sure the bruises he inflicted never showed. I didn't feel like there was any way out of this. I was in too deep. Especially when I realized I was pregnant the summer before my senior year. I had left on the Citizenship Focus Trip through 4-H that I had earned. I was free from him during those two weeks. Though I kept getting sick while we were gone. I blamed it on motion sickness riding in that big bus. Somehow I was able to enjoy some of the trip. When I got back my mom took me aside, and told me about Flick. I bawled like a baby hearing that he was gone. That was the night I had my first miscarriage. It hadn't been motion sickness that I had. It had been what they call morning sickness.

I endured the course of my senior year with Nate. I did notice that the friendship between him, and the other guys was deteriorating. I caught him with other girls having fun with them, and my cousins and the other boys on the ranch were warning me about him. What could I do though? I was in way too deep. My heart had been shattered one too many times now that there was nothing there. I didn't know how to be on my own though after four years together with Nate. He had his moments though. He'd apologize to me for things, and cry to me to keep me with him saying that he needed me. Sometimes he could be so sweet and treat me like a queen, but there were times that he'd change in the blink of an eye becoming violent. His home life wasn't that great so I knew it had to stem from that. His parents were always fighting. His mother though the bruises weren't hidden on her. I even witnessed her sons hit her on more than one occasion when I would happen to be over there. It was my freshman year in college that she just up and disappeared one night. No one knew what happened to her. Nate really didn't care about it at all.

This last year has been more than hard. I'm twenty-two now, and this last year has been nothing but heartbreak for my family, and others. I don't even remember what month it happened. Everything is pretty much a blur of that time. An avalanche took my grandparents, aunt, uncle, my cousins Dorian and Huntley, and the parents of my best friends and a few others. I had been supposed to go with them, but I'd had another miscarriage. How I kept my secret life with Nate from my parents I had no idea. I felt guilty that I hadn't been there. Maybe if I had been, things would be different now was always running through my mind. Different scenarios. I did join in the search, but it had been heartbreaking. I remember hearing the avalanche and running outside and seeing the blanket of snow plowing down the mountain. I had thrown up as my gut twisted knowing that things weren't going to turn out alright.

It was shortly after that Nate didn't bother hitting me where the bruises wouldn't show. I'd go home, and lie to my family about the bruises, starting to hate myself even more for lying to them. Warren, the oldest Earp boy and an identical twin, was figuring out what was happening finally, and he'd tried to get me to stop seeing Nate. By this time I was numb to everything. We ended up arguing more than once. Mom was still buried in her grief, and was always breaking down crying when something would trigger a memory. When I'd think about things I wondered what kept me with Nate, but part of me did love him after all this time. We'd been together for seven years now. I really didn't know anything else. Sure I saw how Warren's twin, Wyatt, was with Tierney. It was like what my parents had together. Sure I longed to have what they all have, but I really don't think I'm worthy of having something like that anymore.

My parents heard about a new school opening in Washington, California for the new Sons of Anarchy charter there. During Sturgis this last year they talked to the Astors from Washington who were opening the school for the new charter. They had patched over to the sons from some club back in New York that had been destroyed from the inside. Mom and Dad were both taking jobs there to get away from the heartbreak here in Big Sky after losing so many loved ones. When I told Nate we were leaving he forbade me from going. Actually beat me up and tied me up in his bedroom. I don't know how long I was there. I barely remember Warren suddenly there and untying me. I woke up in the hospital a couple of days later. The boys had gone to town on Nate putting him into the intensive care unit. He'd be there awhile if he survived that is. He was still there when I was released from the hospital. I didn't even think about going and seeing him. Mom and I had a long talk, and cried together as I opened up to her. She was more than upset wondering how she could have missed all the signs that had been there. I hugged her reassuring her she was the best mother, and that I had kept it hidden from them. Never wanting them to know. Things were out now, and I was heading to California to start a new life wondering if anyone would ever be able to thaw my frozen and shattered heart out. Still I longed for what my parents had, and didn’t think I would ever be lucky in that way.