Growing up I grew to be scared of my own shadow thanks to the man I knew as my father. If I drew his attention he hit me, knock me into the wall and say bitter things to me. I never understood why till two weeks ago when my mother told me on her dying breath. To be honest it was a relief to know the man that haunted my dreams wasn't even my real father. I pushed those that cared about me away afraid that he would hurt them too as he did my mother when she tried to stop him from hurting me. I was vulnerable as a child and teenager, and I hated that.

I didn't rise to my potential until college coming out of the shell I had put myself into. Starting new friendships and relationships with my cousins. Ones that I wished that I had growing up. It would have made things more bearable. I found myself there letting my true self show to others that cared about me, and I cared for them. I have a passion for acting and singing. I feel at peace and love doing both. When I joined my fraternity Chi Phi it felt like home to me like no other place before. I found new found friendships there that I cherish and they became the brothers I never had. Ones that will continue to grow over the course of our lifetime.

Two weeks ago as my mother lay dying from internal injuries, from a so-called yachting accident, she told me the truth of who my father was. I was more than shocked hearing the story from her, and I understood why she never told anyone. My aunt was married to Marshall Vincent Astor. Happily at that time. The Astor brothers and their sisters were throwing a twenty-first birthday party for their nephew Thorn Thomas. Mom was twenty and she’d had a crush on Thorn for years, she said. Only he had eyes for Esmerelda Tate. So she was surprised when he showed up without her to the party on his arm.

The party was full of Sons of Anarchy and some 69’ers mixed in the bunch of bikers there. She said it was a couple of years before tragedy tore the two clubs apart from being allies. When she was able to, she made her move on Thorn finding out that Esmerelda and he had a fight a few days before. She’d texted him Happy Birthday, but was still pissed at him. He shrugged it off though saying she’d be back when she cooled off. The party was held at the Astor mansion, and was by invitation only. If the Astor parents had still been alive the party would definitely not have been there. They had turned their noses up at any kind of riff raff.

The party went into the wee hours of the morning, and they got drunk enough that my mother ended up in bed with Thorn Thomas. When she woke up in the morning he was gone, and she was more than disappointed. The next time she saw him he was back with Esmerelda and acted like he didn’t even remember her. I was born nine months later, and she kept that secret from everyone. Her parents hadn’t been happy with her one bit marrying her off to someone else in their social circle not caring if it was for love or not. They’d married for money, and not love themselves.

My mother was the best mother though to me growing up. The man I knew as my father growing up was a cold hearted man who married my mother for appearance and the money. Never having any children together as he had two sons from a prior marriage. He was ten years older than her. He didn’t care what she did as long as she didn’t tarnish his good name. I was only a burden to him though, and he’d hit me knocking me around making sure the bruises didn’t show. Telling me that I was just a bastard. As a young boy I had no idea what that meant. Mom wasn’t able to stop him, and if she did try to stop him he'd hurt her. Her family just turned a blind eye to them.

To my grandparents I was just that bastard child too. Not a golden grandson like my cousins Vincent, Princeton, and Gregory. I didn’t have that glorious Astor name attached to me like they did. Even after my aunt and uncle divorced after losing their baby girl my grandparents still adored him and their sons. I went to the finest schools in Manhattan. Living in an elaborate penthouse apartment that never felt like home. Feeling like an outsider in school as well as my own family. The only one that truly loved me was my mother. She’d try to make it to school programs and other things, but if my father had a commitment he’d make her go with him so I was left to my own devices.

My cousin Princeton was only a year younger than I, but we weren’t really friends. It’s not that he looked down on me or anything. The Astor boys were usually friends with everyone. To his credit he did try when we were younger, but when I pushed him away to hide the pain inside he quit trying. I was always quiet and shy from the result of being hit if I made myself known at home by my father. Going through school was like a landmine never knowing when the bullies were going to target me, and it seemed to be hit and miss. I came home with my fair share of black eyes or a bloody nose from getting bullied.

To escape from reality I would read getting my hands on any and every book I could. Hiding in my room away from my father when he would be home. I grew up in the life of luxury never wanting for anything. Except for the right kind of attention and love. I definitely wasn’t one of those spoiled little boys who got anything and everything that they wanted. Never once did I ever throw a temper tantrum like I saw other boys my age do. I just accepted things for what they were. Knowing there was no way out of my life.

During junior high and high school I learned I loved acting and would go out for the plays that were put on, usually getting a really good part. When I hit high school I joined the Glee club which earned me even more bullies, but I didn’t care since singing sort of lit the world when I would get lost in it. Sure I tried sports, but the contact sports I didn’t like. Cross Country and Basketball were what I played as I was told it would look good on my transcripts. I ended up lettering in both sports all four years of high school. I earned all kinds of awards in music, forensics and things like that. I was horrible in math and science and had to have a tutor for those. So I was pretty much towards the top of my class surprisingly.

Mom and my aunt were the only ones who came to my graduation. Which was fine with me. I graduated with honors being in the honor society. I was the student council secretary too. I got a full scholarship to Cornell, and majored in drama and music. College was a whole new experience for me. My father told me I had to hold up tradition and pledge to his fraternity Delta Phi. I went through rush week, and got an invite from Delta Phi as well as Chi Phi. I went with my heart telling me to go to Chi Phi even though I knew it would piss my father off. I felt more at ease and sort of like I was home when I visited Chi Phi. That earned me a visit and beating from my father who told me that I better change my mind, but it was too late to even think about that when he had found out.

At the pinning ceremony I was surprised to see my Uncle Marshall Vincent and his brothers there. I had no idea they were Chi Phi Alumni. They’d all gone to Yale or the bigger Ivy League schools though. Come to find out though Uncle Marshall Vincent had started out here at Cornell and pledged to Chi Phi here. Since Alumni pinned us he proudly stood up and pinned me that night. He did question the bruises that my father had left on me this time that actually showed as pissed as he had been. I brushed it off saying I’d just fallen and banged myself up. I could tell he didn’t really believe me, but he didn’t push me.

I’d never been that close to my uncle, but he seemed to show up after that when I would least expect it to check on me and see how I was doing if I needed anything. The bruises had faded, and I didn’t get anymore since I never went home. Sure mom would take me out for lunch now and then. Sunday brunch for us was a must, and my aunt would join us on Sundays. Course my cousins would be there too. Prince and Gregory that is. Vincent would join us if he was home from Yale. Prince was a senior at my alma mater this year, and Gregory was an eighth grader. I was a different person being at Cornell and coming out of the shell I had put myself in over the years. So Prince and I were settling into a friendship, and once in a while we would meet up and hang out. Every once in a while Gregory would tag along.

The years passed at an alarming rate it seemed. I rarely saw my father, which was more than fine with me. Prince had headed off to College at UCLA wanting a real college experience as he referred to it. Gregory was a freshman this year, and I’d try and make it to his games and other things he had going on. Usually going with his father who would invite me along. Uncle Marshall Vincent was a lawyer in his family's law firm that their father had started before them. So he was able to take off whenever. Sometimes his brothers would join us as well as his sister Olivia. She was definitely a hoot, and would yell at the refs if she didn’t like a call. Oh and she could handle her older brothers which was definitely a great show sometimes.

I held quite a few responsibilities during the next three years in my fraternity. Ending up president of the fraternity my senior year. I’d had the lead in many plays and musicals with the Astors and my mother showing up to watch them. Including my music concerts that I would be singing at. I was graduating before I knew it though, and it was a rush as well as a let down as I had loved my college years. I had a degree to teach music at all grade levels now as I had ended up majoring in it with a minor in drama. My last semester of college I had my round of student teaching at my alma mater. Getting to be a teacher for Gregory which he found amusing. Though he did admit that he enjoyed being in music with me as the teacher.

I’m twenty five now and I’ve been teaching my first year at my alma mater. I have to admit I miss college life, but I get together with my brothers from the frat every weekend. Well those that live here in New York. So that helps some. They are brothers I never had. The summer started out like every other summer. Till that first Sunday brunch. When I showed up my mother and aunt were in a hushed discussion that they quickly stopped when I made myself known. We had brunch, and after my aunt left I confronted mom asking her what was going on. She forced on a smile for me and said that it was just the same old. Things would be just fine though. A week later I got a call from my aunt saying there had been an accident. Mom was in the hospital and I needed to get there fast.

I dropped everything and ran. I was surprised my uncle Marshall Vincent was there, and hugging my aunt who was crying. She looked at me and told me to go into the room that they weren’t going to be able to save her. My heart plummeted and I rushed into the private room going to my mother’s side. Tears streamed down my pale cheeks as I took in her bloodied face and how pale she was. Rushing to her side I took her hand in mine. Her eyes opened, and I could tell she was in pain. She said it wasn’t an accident. She knew things about my father that she couldn’t tell me or she’d be in danger too. This was her way of shutting her up. It had been his idea for her to go out on the family yacht today only for it to explode. Killing most of the crew, and now she would be added to that.

She gripped my hand and to my shock told me the truth of who I really was. On her dying breath she said. “Ask your uncle to help you find your father Thorn Thomas. I love you sweetie…” I broke down sobbing like a baby and collapsed against the bed on my knees. My hand clutching her lifeless hand in mine. How long I stayed there like that I don’t know. The alarm of the machine had been turned off, and it was silent there but for my sobs. The sobs coming from my aunt outside of the room. I was barely aware of my uncle pulling me away sometime later. I don’t remember much of the rest of that day.

When I woke up the next day I was in a bedroom that I had no idea where I was. To be honest I really didn’t care. I laid there and let the tears come as I was overcome with grief again as it hit me full force. Sometime later there was a knock at the door, and my uncle came in not waiting for an answer. He came over and sat down in a chair looking at me. He said I was at his family home. I was welcome to stay here as long as I needed. My aunt was there too as we shouldn’t be alone in our time of grief. He said his boys were on their way home. There was a suitcase sitting over to the side. He’d sent someone to my apartment and they had gotten me some clothes.

After he left I laid there for quite awhile longer. Finally I got up and took a shower, before my stomach decided it could hold some food. I found my way downstairs and to the dining room. Helping myself to some food on the Buffett that was set up keeping it warm or cool whatever it needed. I was empty though inside and just got a little sitting down at the table to eat. I wasn’t able to get much done as I ended up just sitting there staring into space crying. It was Olivia who joined me and sat there in silence for a while after she sat down to eat. She finally spoke up saying it never really got any easier. Even though she hadn’t gotten along that great with her parents she still missed them as well as her older sister Betsey. The latter of whom she still grieved along with her niece Candy. She added that I wasn’t alone though that they were all there for me.

It was hours later when my cousins showed up. They were all three in LA now. Starting to prospect to the Sons of Anarchy motorcycle club. They had joined the military as well. Vincent had graduated and served now while Princeton just graduated from UCLA and he would be starting to serve full time too. Gregory would be a sophomore at UCLA next fall. They were my rock that week and helped me get through the week. Dad had never shown up, he’d jetted off to some other country hours before the explosion on the yacht. When detectives had shown up and were asking questions about my father my aunt yelled at them that he had killed my mother. She’d let out secrets that my mother had told her about him. She’d ended up having to be sedated.

I hadn’t forgotten about what my mother had told me about who my real father was. I had no idea what connection he was to the Astors that they would know him, and no time had been right to bring it up. It was weeks later when I decided I needed to talk to my uncle about it, but by then he was out in a little town called Washington, California along with his family. I decided to head out there to talk to him. I had inherited money from my mother when she died. My father’s assets had been frozen though, and he was wanted for murder now as well as fraud. No one knew where he was though, and I was pretty sure no one would find him. I hated him for killing my mother. I wanted to kill him myself, but I didn’t know if I could work up the nerve to stand up against him if I ever came face to face with him. My aunt let me use her private jet. I didn’t tell her why I was going. I needed to talk to my uncle, and then I would tell her later. As for my aunt she had thrown herself into the social life in New York to get through the grief and get on with her life.

I wasn’t sure where life was going to take me from now on out. Nothing was ever going to be the same again. All I really wanted in life right now was my mother. I did have an offer to teach at the new school that the Astors had built out here in Washington, California. From what my cousins had said my uncle and his brothers were all now Sons of Anarchy there. Reason they were there is they had found their niece that had supposedly been killed when she was twelve. I didn’t know the whole story, and it wasn’t really any of my business. I was happy for them though hearing they had been reunited. I had no idea it was going to impact me when I found out my heritage. I was still grieving, and now was opening up a whole new can of worms. Definitely going into it with eyes closed. Oblivious to how it was going to impact me and those that I cared about. Definitely a shock and life changing experience.